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This means saying ‘No’ when our Inner Being knows it is not healthy for us to give.

It means allowing others to become empowered by doing for themselves rather than keeping them enabled to stay sick, dysfunctional, powerless and able to mine other people.

That was me until I understood how much trauma and a mess ‘seeking validation’ really gets us into, and how it strips our self-esteem and personal power. Welcome to the Thriver’s Life series, the creation of your highest and best life after narcissistic abuse.

It’s so interesting when we understand that ‘seeking validation from others’ is one of the most serious ‘gaps’ we can have on the inside that makes us susceptible to narcissists.

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The solution is to heal ourselves enough so that we can live aligned with our true values.

Some people may even think being filled with self-worth and self-love is ‘narcissism’, believing this would be like being self-absorbed to the detriment of others. The more we investigate what ‘seeking validation’ is all about, the more we realise that this is another one of those two sides of the same coin thing, that narcissists and co-dependents both suffer from, which can cause them to bond together.

Narcissists are not likely to change what they do regarding seeking outer validation, but we can.

Let’s look at the ways that we can seek validation from others, how narcissists do this also, and the results, and how to release ourselves from it. I really love this expression, ‘If we try not to upset everyone else, we will only upset ourselves.’ The Co-dependent Model of trying to please others to be loved is this: ‘If I give you enough of what you want, then you will grant me the love, approval, survival or security that will help me feel whole.’ The results of this are you are feeling emptied out, taken advantage of and not respected.

It doesn’t bring the love, approval, survival and security you wish to achieve, and can even be a recipe for staying attached to abuse.

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